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11 - The Consent Component

In kink, negotiation is planning out what you want to do to each other. So long as both of you are sober, you can get consent and get rolling. Since this is one of your first sessions, there isn’t much you need to negotiate beyond asking for permission.

This is a good time to check for topics to avoid. A slew of deepeners mention sinking below the water, and that’s a surefire way to get someone to nope the fuck out if they’re afraid of drowning.

Think of this as more of a conversation than a checklist. Discussing your intentions and outlining what you plan on doing is much more practical than trying to spontaneously ingest the entirety of someone’s desires.

A Universe of Possibilities

Section titled “A Universe of Possibilities”

In a recreational setting, a lot of folks approach their new partners by asking them about their preferences. This is great! However, in a kink context, a lot of people try to exhaustively examine their partner’s interests, and then try to synthesize a session outline for them on the fly. I can’t count the number of times I’ve set aside time for a session, swapped notes, and spent more time kicking the tires of our mutual proclivities than actually having fun.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with talking about your interests. But, there’s an easier way to get started:

  • Pick something simple (like relaxation.)
  • Provide an outline of the content of your planned session.
  • Get consent to hypnotize them.

Often, after your session, you’ll have a chat with your partner and they’ll pick one thing they’d like to hone in on with you. This is great! Take a note, chat with them for a bit, and if you both still feel comfortable with the idea of it after giving them about half an hour to cool down, you can give it a spin.

Some Ideas

Section titled “Some Ideas”

Other things you might want to talk about - up to your discretion:

  • How are you feeling about all this right now?
  • Anything else you’re unsure of?
  • Do you have safeties in place? (When you get the experience to provide these, this is a nice thing to stack on to a session.)
  • Comfort check.
  • Ask if they have any preferences they’d like you to know about.

Tell Them What You Want

Section titled “Tell Them What You Want”

A fun way to crack the lid open on this is to flip the tables. First - ask if there’s anything they’re looking to get out of it. Then, tell them what you want out of it, and what you want out of them.

Here are some examples:

  • Don’t force, fight, or fake anything.
  • Stop and let you know if they’re having a bad ride.
  • If they have an itch, scratch it.
  • Stop for any reason at all. They don’t even have to explain to you why.

Moreover, here are some things you might want:

  • Practice.
  • Feedback.
  • An opportunity to experiment.

If you think it may become an issue, this is an opportunity to let them know what you’d like your relationship to look like when you’re done. You can say you’d like to remain friends and say hello at the next meetup, gently implying this is not the start of you becoming their regular hypnotist.

Ask how much time they have. You can say you’ve got about half an hour, and since things aren’t terribly spicy, you’ll have to collect feedback and run after the session. Or, if you’re doing this at a meet, you’d like to go back to socializing after doing an exit interview.

Further Reading

Section titled “Further Reading”