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Urban Tantra

Chapter 1: What is Tantra, Anyway

Defining Tantra feels ambiguous, but here’s a few thoughts from the book:

  • The spiritual and physical are connected
  • Tantra is the elimination of duality
  • A practice of personal liberation
  • Your physical life as a manifestation of divine energy
  • Sexual excitement can be a taste of divine energy
  • Self-acceptance and selflove

Chapter 2: Why Ecstasy is Necessary

The book starts by separating out ‘ecstasy’ from pleasure and pain, suggesting that ecstasy, and thus tantra, is experienced spiritually. In addition, this ‘ecstasy’ is more related to bliss, wholeness, connectedness to the moment, and timelessness.

[!quote]

To experience ‘true’ ecstasy, do the following:

  • Stay in the present moment.
  • Drop your expectations and your judgments.
  • Stay in the present moment.
  • Surrender.
  • Stay in the present moment.
  • Be more conscious.
  • Stay in the present moment.
  • Learn how to do all of this in sex…
  • …in the present moment.

Chapter 3: Be Here Now

[!quote]

Remember: All consciousness really means is that you are in a relaxed state of awareness with a quiet mind able to focus gently and easily on what’s going on at the present moment.

A few tips on being present from the book:

  • Avoid losing yourself in your fantasies during sex
  • Focus on your breath and intention
  • Let go of your self-perception (and your perception of ‘correct’ tantra)
  • Accept and embrace rituals and spirituality

You’ll have a better time in sex by dropping judgements and comparisons, as well as your need to understand, allowing yourself to be in the moment. In addition, dropping your expectations, from sex or otherwise, will allow you to experience the moment fully.

One of the author’s teachers suggested they not do what anyone else was doing, and just to enjoy themselves, and that ‘freed them from their cage’ to experience the class fully.

While you’ll give and receive pleasure regularly during sex, you’ll do better emotionally if you focus your intention on either giving or receiving. (I’ll be abusing this tidbit on a partner - suggesting they’d better not squander my gift when I focus on them. ) The flip side is true as well - enjoy fully what your partner is giving you without expectation, and you’ll both have a better time. This has some interesting BDSM implications - especially for Doms when they’re receiving.

Chapter 4: Chakras

Chakras are a practical way to direct energy and awareness to specific areas of your body. The first three major lower chakras are more connected with the physical world, and the other four chakras are connected to the nonphysical worlds, operating at a higher frequency. You can use chakras as a tool for troubleshooting an experience when you’re comfortable with them. There are about forty minor chakras, which won’t be covered in this book.

Previously - I took notes on each of the individual chakras, but I’m removing it for brevity.

Chapter 5: Wake up your body, calm your mind, and free your spirit

For this book’s reference, the three best paths to pleasure are breath, meditation, and silliness.

Breathing

The author talks about breathing, noticing the breath, and how ‘shy’ we are about breathing about breath (and how we tend to be quiet during masturbation, linking that to improving our orgasms to breathing fully.) I didn’t find anything particularly novel in here save for the Breath of Fire. Aside from this, they included The Bottom Breath, The Circular Breath, and The Heart Breath.

They end the section with - when you get used to these cool breathing exercises, try them during sex and masturbation.

Meditation

During the Exhilaration Meditation and Cathartic Meditation, there’s a great potential for ‘silliness.’ I won’t dig in to my (probably obvious) proclivities here but I’ll just say being silly in the bedroom has never been a problem for me. I can see these procedures being “freeing” but man, after reading through them they even make me feel a bit uneasy.

In addition, they mention Witnessing, which feels to me like dissociation and watching from a distance. Standard meditation stuff.

🦈 (I feel like I’m getting trolled a bit here in an attempt to butter me up to new ideas.)

Chapter 6: How to Touch

The Resilient edge of Resistance is the experience immediately before stimulation goes from perfectly intense to too much. Backing off to this near-comfort zone is the ‘ideal’ amount of stimulation. If you were massaging someone with your fingertips, this would be the amount of pressure before pain or displeasure but optimally stimulating.

The ‘resilience’ idea is that you should be able to ‘bounce back’ quickly from the stimulation.

This idea expands into emotional and physical stimulation. The author talks about experiencing a rough period in her life when her partner touched her gently to comfort her. Their mild touch was annoying to her at the moment, given all the stress she was going through. Her partner intuitively knew what was going on, reached for a pointed talon claw, and started to gradually apply more pressure until the pain was right at the ideal point. The author reached the catharsis.

However, there’s one sentence specifically worth focusing on here.

I knew she would not do anything that would actually injure me, no matter how much I asked.

Carrellas, Barbara. Urban Tantra, Second Edition: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (p. 55). Clarkson Potter/Ten Speed. Kindle Edition.

Back over in the book [[Mastering Erotic Hypnosis]], they mentioned NSSI (non-suicidal self-injury) while also suggesting that really the only difference between this and S/m is who is doing it. I don’t think this is the point of this passage in the book, but it might be worth contrasting (or comparing) the ‘ideal maximum stimulation’ with some degree of masochism. (FWIW, I can relate to having a rough day and wanting to be absolutely destroyed.)

Chapter 7 - Twenty-Minute Tantra

This chapter is just a prelude to the upcoming chapters, saying you can get a lot done in 20 minutes, provided you do it every day. And 20 minutes is better than nothing.

Chapter 8 - Sexual Energy: What it is and What to Do with It

The chapter discusses feeling ‘energy’ and briefly describes a few different models across belief systems. This gets a bit close to tarot reading your partner based on unrelated signs and applying it to chakras, so I’ve skimped on the notes.

They suggest a pile of exercises - (I think) to shift your awareness into your body, or taking a moment to notice differences before and after the exercises.

These (vaguely) consist of:

  • Deliberate eye movements - focusing, unfocusing, circling your eyes
  • Making sounds, massaging your jaw, massaging your gums and lips
  • Stretch your neck with some read rolls in slow circles
  • On your hands and knees, inhale and exhale deeply, and on your exhale, scrunch in your belly, being careful to not move your spine
  • Lie on your back, bringing your feet close to your rear, and bounce your rear and pelvis on the floor 🤷
    • Then lift your hips off the floor, gyrating them
    • Go back and forth between the tow exercises as you please

Now - a few more exercises to ‘circulate your erotic energy.’

  • Stand with your feet hip distance apart, move just your pelvis in a box, parallel to the ground
  • Move your hips in a figure 8
  • Do some pelvic squeezes - try doing a bunch in a row
  • As if you were surfing, swing your pelvis forward, allow the rest of your body follow, and as it follows forward, move your pelvis back https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3aOhaQPaxM

Chapter 9 - The Totality of Possibilities

In this brand of tantra, your orgasms can not only be physical, but can also be a release of tension and energy, ‘expanding through the mind and connecting us to (our) spirit.’ They suggest that, just as you’d feel exhausted after a good cry or a day raging out completely, your orgasms can feel the same way. (A raging orgasm ‘feels’ like an appropriate way to put this.)

Kindly, they provide the following instructions for estrogen based bodies and testosterone based bodies, for the inclusion of folks in transition. The following advice is provided for whichever hormone currently predominates. (There are some assumptions about genital availability for the given hormones, but they suggest you find your own way using the combo of body parts you’re currently rocking. )

FWIW - in case I don’t get to writing it down, Chapter 20 in this book has some stuff for gender-nonconforming people.

Estrogen Based Bodies

  • Practice and explore having orgasms, being patient with yourself
  • Relax
  • Look and Explore (approach slowly, savoring the experience)
  • Think sexy thoughts
  • Breathe and rock, do not hold your breath
  • Use a vibrator
  • Press and release repeatedly (as if your clitoris is a doorbell)
  • Toys (and penetration)
  • Change your breathing
  • Your G-Spot / urethral sponge might feel nice to touch too

I have never understood how some women can tell me that they are desperate to have an orgasm, yet they don’t want to use a vibrator. Good goddess, that’s like saying you want to visit the moon but don’t want to use a rocket to get there.

Carrellas, Barbara. Urban Tantra, Second Edition: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (p. 79). Clarkson Potter/Ten Speed. Kindle Edition.

Testosterone Based Bodies

  • Orgasm and ejaculation are two different processes
  • Practice going limp for 30 seconds
  • Hold your breath, or slow it down - it’ll delay orgasm
    • Try a Breath of Fire if this doesn’t do the job
  • Clamp down your PC muscle to try to stop your orgasm 💻
    • While contracting your PC muscle, put pressure against your perineum with your fingers
  • Hold your dingle-dongle in fun and varied ways
    • Use your first two fingers on the underside of your penis, and a thumb on the top and squeeze
    • Holding your length in one hand, press a thumb down against your tip
    • Holding your penis with two fingers and a thumb, use your other hand to squeeze down on the base
  • Lie on your back, gravity will draw blood away from your erection (?!)
  • Pull your sac down away from your body (your testes pull up when you’re near orgasm)
  • Relaxation is the ‘key’ to voluntary relaxation
  • If you’ve got a prostate, play with it if you want

And a bit more

You can make some sounds with your orgasm if you like. I’m going to skip the chakra sounds exercises, but they included a reminder to make some noise. loud_noises https://www.nateliason.com/blog/multiple-orgasms-men

Chapter 10 - Breath and Energy Orgasms

Tips for going into the Breath Energygasm:

  • This can be done in 20 minutes, but take your time on the first round.
  • Go in without expectations.
  • Be patient - it’s different for everyone.
  • Allow negative emotions, if evoked, to pass by.
  • Tingling in your extremities is normal.
  • Focusing on “breathing into your chakra” will help.
  • You’ll reach autopilot at some point ‘when reaching your upper chakras.’
  • If you feel like you lost touch with your energy - go back to where you last felt it, and keep going.
  • Use your hands to focus on the chakras you’re breathing into.
  • Raise the pitch of your voice as you move through your chakras.

The Breath Energygasm (Paraphrased)

  1. Lie flat on the floor with your knees up.
  2. Yawn and keep the back of your jaw open.
  3. Breathe through your mouth.
  4. Do not pause between the inhale and exhale - allowing the exhalation to be automatic.
  5. Fill your belly on the inhale. On the exhale, flatten your lower back to the ground.
  6. Add PC squeezes to whatever part of the breath feels right.
  7. Focus energy into your perineum (taking your awareness there.)
  8. Now move that to your lower belly on your inhale, the second chakra.
  9. Exhale, moving the focus back to the perineum. Intuitively sense when these chakra’s are ‘charged.’
  10. Move the energy focus from your lower belly to your solar plexus. Wait until you sense it’s charged.
  11. Keep going and breathing.
  12. Move your focus from your solar plexus to your heart center. Give yourself energy flow imagery.
  13. Repeat moving from your heart to your throat. Feel free to vocalize.
  14. If energy seems to be moving automatically between chakras, just keep going. If not, go between your throat and third eye.
  15. Continue between the third eye and crown.
  16. At this point, things should happen automatically. Keep at it.

The Clench and Hold

Tips for the Clench ‘n Hold:

  • Be open for interpretation after this technique.
  • Rehearse the steps before you give this a go
  1. Sit on the floor, get comfy.
  2. Yawn, keep the back of your jaw open.
  3. Use the Heart Breath.
  4. Exhale, do not force the breath out, let it fall out with a sigh.
  5. Keep your eyes open, picking a point to focus on.
  6. Keep breathing, optionally rocking with your breath or adding PC squeezes.
  7. Set a timer - go for 10-30 minutes.
  8. When you’re done charging your lasers, take 30 fuller, faster breaths…
  9. Lie back on the floor.
  10. Inhale deeply, let your breath out gently and fully. Repeat this once.
  11. Inhale fully and hold.
  12. Clench your body - especially your abs, butt, and PC. While doing this, you have the choice of… a. Pressing down on the floor with your hands, shoulder, head, butt, legs, and feet. b. Stretch out from the center of your body. c. Pull ‘inwards’, clenching your fists. d. Whatever you do, do not bring your knees up.
  13. Hold for at least 15 seconds.
  14. Watch without expectations.

Chapter 11 - Tantra for One

A few suggestions from this chapter:

  • Take time daily to look yourself in the eye in the mirror, giving yourself self-affirmations.
  • “The microcosmic orbit” exercise - where you sit down, doing PC exercises, imagining erotic energy going from your perineum to the roof of your mouth, back and forth, imagining yourself being surrounded by erotic energy, giving self-suggestion about the qualities of the erotic energy to make it more real.
  • There’s mention of VAKog systems, and being aware of it in your partner. I’m not sold on VAKog preferences, but it’s a fun exercise to be aware of all of those senses.

Part 3 Introduction - Partner Tantra: A Tantric Ritual

Thoughts from this chapter:

  • A tip for less-kinky folks - try reframing planning for a lewd evening as building sexual rapport and energy, rather than seeing it as clinical.
  • It’s worth noting their six step process of tantric rituals (paraphrased heavily):
    • (CH12) Prepare space and plan
    • (CH13) Relax and become present
    • (CH14) Warm up (both physically and spiritually)
    • (CH15) Come together and connect with your partner
    • (CH16) Have fun (and have orgasms)
    • (CH17) Afterglow (and aftercare)

Chapter 12 - Set the Stage

This chapter presents inspiration for your lewd adventures.. Not in the BDSM sense of a scene, but almost quite literally like a movie set. In short, they mention props, lighting, sound, decoration, cleaning up the space itself… I disagree on a few points here and there about costumes - but these are more personal gripes I should probably keep private, mostly for the sake of not getting knee deep in to my own interests. O:)

They go on to mention sex toys (props), risk in sex (alluding to RACK,) and tools for safer sex. Most of their advice seems reasonable. I was pleasantly surprised to find someone else that agrees that unprotected oral sex is unsafe.

Chapter 13 - Chill Out and Warm Up

This chapter reinforces the importance of both being present and in the right headspace for sex/tantra. They highlight the need to make a clear cut between your ‘daily life’ and your ‘erotic life.’

Here’s what you can do to warm up:

  • Emotionally cleanse, taking a moment, possibly by burning sage or taking a shower
  • Remove your frustration - using the Exhilaration or Cathartic meditations in Chapter 5, by screaming into a pillow, or using some other device that’ll clear out your grumpiness
  • Swap into something sexy to emotionally set the scene

They also suggest a few exercises you can do with your partner, summarized here.

Grounding Hug

  1. Stand, firmly grounding yourself. Breathe with the Bottom Breath (focusing on your belly, exhaling through your mouth.) Self-suggest you are anchored to the earth with your legs as roots, stable. (It’s worth rereading the Bottom Breath instructions in CH5.)
  2. Hug, placing your hands holding their body flat against yours. “Breathe your belly into their belly.” Imagine grounding with them.
  3. Keep going, feeling your gravity move down with them.
  4. Switch.

Partner Shake

  1. Go down your partner’s body parts head to toe like a PMR, shaking and vibrating them quickly. Use common sense. (It’s goofy.)
  2. Swap.

Elephant massage

  1. Have your partner (the elephant) stand with their feet hip-distance apart. Have them bend down at the hips, putting their hands and arms together as if they’re an elephant.
  2. Massage your partner however they like. The shoulders and spine would be good picks. Have a giggle or two at the absurdity of the situation.
  3. When you’re both ready, stand behind them, and rest their back up against your body.
  4. Swap places.

ACTIVATE THE MICROCOSMIC ORBIT 🚀🚀🚀

Have your partner do the microcosmic orbit exercise from CH11, but tap along the energy pathway. (Going along the spine to the back of their head.) Swap places when you’re done.

In closing

Do whatever you need to do to get in the mood and release tension, leaving you both wanting more intimacy and connection.

Chapter 14 - Come Together

Recognition with Hand Balancing

Sit cross legged (or comfortably, however you wish) across from your partner. Place one hand down on one of their palms, and vice versa. Looking into their ‘non-dominant’ eye can be a window into their soul.

In this position, you can do a few things with your partner - balancing your energies, seeing a higher power (or seeing your partner as a higher power), and communicating what you’re feeling.

Balancing energies

Traditionally, you’d balance male and female energies, but the author used this to balance their other identities with being a present lover.

Seeing Spirituality

Another traditional option is seeing your partner as a deity, or channeling a deity through them, when doing this. You can go as abstract as you’d like with this (channeling ‘energy’) or even pick a role model that you see through them.

Communicating

This is a good time to discuss intimate preferences, or possibly questions to boost your intimacy. You can try the following four questions to learn a bit more about where your partner’s head is at - but agree to set anything aside during your intimate session.

  • I am angry about…
  • I am sad about…
  • I am scared about…
  • I am glad about… (I’m not sure I’m on board with this - this will surely bring all four of these things to the front of your partner’s mind right before your intimate session together.)

The Pose of Giving and Receiving

I’m skimping on notes here since this is mostly instruction on how to do The Pose of Giving and Receiving. It’s mostly a repeated stroke where the ‘giver’ strokes from head to toe in a ritual pattern, ideally at the Resilient Edge of Resistance.

The rest of the chapter

There’s a bit here on making a ritual with your partner to allow them to enjoy and be absorbed in sensations (touch/smell/taste) you present them. The neat takeaway I had from this chapter was to take responsibility for both your own sexual power and satisfaction. Use this to communicate better with your partner, and to not take the emotional brunt of something if it’s unsatisfying to them.

Chapter 15 - Rock and Roll

The Heart Connection

For this ritual, take your partners hand and hold it against your heart, and have your partner do the same. Sync your breathing, look into your partners eyes, and be present while you allow your awareness to follow your own sexual energy inside of your body. You can augment your sexual energy and focus by doing PC squeezes while being present.

Yab Yum

In short - this feels like sitting in each other’s lap, holding your partner in your embrace. While doing this, you can use your hands to move each-other’s energy around by tracing slowly your hands around their spine.

Fuck Consciously

  • Be aware of your breathing
  • Focus on your intention
  • Be present in the moment
  • Use the resilient edge of resistance
  • Go slow and focus

Chapter 16 - Afterglow

This chapter was mostly suggestions on positions on relaxing with your partner, quietly enjoying each other’s presence (meditating.) Interestingly - the positions all included lying down with your head pointed away from them. (EG - not necessarily with your heads next to each other’s feet, but certainly not face to face. )

Chapter 17 - The Erotic Awakening Massage: An Introduction

A few tips from the chapter:

  • ‘Receiving’ is not a passive activity - you should take an active role in asking for what you’d like, and making it better for yourself.
  • As a giver, take feedback confidently. An “oh hell yes” is a lot better than “sorry, let me fix that.”

Whole-Hand Touching (And massage techniques)

  • Try using your whole hand instead of going in with just your fingers.
  • Gliding is allowing your fingers to relax as you massage, going gently and slowly. Prefer pulling over pushing your hands when using this technique.
  • Kneading uses your whole hand to push into the muscle and “suck the flesh into your palm.”
  • Vibrating is using both hands on either side of an appendage (they gave the example of a thigh,) then rocking your hands side-to-side. Slow down as you go.
  • Lifting and holding just means gently and deftly moving a limb.
  • Incorporate stillness into your massages

Chapter 18: The Erotic Awakening Massage for People with Pussies

Before starting massage, set the scene. Consider using floor space for a massage if you don’t have a table - you’ll want to be comfortable yourself. You can also use gloves (latex/nitrile/vinyl), cornstarch, or massage oil. Take a moment to look each other in the eyes and connect with them spiritually, talk out how you’re feeling in the moment, and start with a sensual massage face down. For optimal tantra points, both of you should be focusing on your breathing as you do this.

Lewd Warm-ups

  • Over Eggs Easy: Glide your palms in circles on her abdomen in the area where the ovaries would be. Apply appropriate pressure with the Resilient Edge of Resistance in mind.
  • The Womb Warmer: About the same as above, except above where the uterus would be located.
  • The Heart-Womb Palm Rest: One hand on their womb, one hand on their heart, breathing with them with focus. The Heart-Pussy Palm Rest is reasonably similar and predictable by it’s name.
  • Outer Labia Acupress: Use the sides of your forefingers on both hands, pressing and releasing where the outer labia meets the thighs.
  • The Pubic Hair Pull Gently grab fingerfuls of pubic hair and lift. Use common sense.

The Vulva and Clitoris

Help your partner get comfortable - offer a pillow behind the knees and have them get cozy. (I’m skipping a fair bit of content here, but I’ll note down some safety ideas and novel thoughts from the book. Communicating will probably lead to 90% of these things going well - but I’m neither a pussy owner or driver. I still haven’t got my license yet in the mail.) tacotime

  • Avoid getting bacteria from the anus into the vagina, and avoid recirculating lube from there accidentally.
  • Try drumming motions.
  • Try breathing at various distances.
  • Move around the clitoris using ‘hours of the clock’ to name your position, and ask for feedback on their favorite spots.
  • Pinch and pull the clitoral shaft, using plenty of lube and common sense.
  • If you massage with penetration, don’t forget the urethral sponge. Go gently and be aware your partner may be unfamiliar with the associated sensations.
  • Use a vibrator, using the regular tips. (Shield the most intense vibrations with a hand, go easy, don’t overstimulate, keep your toys clean with condoms, etc.)
  • After massage, invite them to take 15 to 30 minutes to just be. Offer to keep them warm. If you’re the one receiving, avoid jumping directly into figuring out how to reciprocate.

Chapter 19: The Erotic Awakening Massage for People with Penises

As with most the exercises suggested in this book - both you and your partner should focus on your breathing. Before getting lewd, use U glides (moving from the belly, heart, or perineum out to the legs or arms. EG - going from the heart, to the nipples, down the knees, and then doing it to the other side.) Use circular motions to “concentrate” energy and Us to “distribute” energy.

Dicks

Since this is a massage and not a handjob, really just use common sense and massage the genitals. Don’t smash the testes, ask for preferences on foreskin, and massage without the intent of ejaculation. harder

  • Move the length, using common sense, around the clock, gently. Glide using plenty of lube.
  • Try a pulling and twisting movement over the glans, using plenty of lubrication you can apply plenty of pressure.
  • Press their length back into their body. Move your hand in a downward motion towards their testes, heeling downward.
  • Hold their length out of the way, vibrating the base of the length with your fingers.

Clench and Hold

After you’ve wound your partner up, invite them to…

  • Breathe quickly and fully for thirty seconds
  • Inhale deeply three times, tensing all their muscles, then releasing on the exhale. They can clench by…
    • Pressing down on the table
    • Extending their body
    • Pulling inward
  • On the third breath out, remove your hands, count silently to fifteen, then tell them to relax

Chapter 20: The Erotic Awakening Massage for Trans and Gender-Nonconforming People

Check your partner’s preferences on their genital nomenclature. Your partner is the expert on their body, especially on how they feel. Be aware their body may respond in unexpected ways. Be sure to ask where they do and do not want to be touched. Ask them if there’s anything they’d like to experiment with. As usual, welcome feedback. Ask what they’d like to get out of your session together. Contextually using common sense, offer a Clench and Hold in place of an orgasm.

Chapter 21: Tantric BDSM

summoners_rift The novel ideas in this chapter include:

  • Using the Heart Connection pose to exchange ‘power and control’ back and forth.
  • Try using the Pose of Recognition or the mad/sad/glad/scared game to get to know a new partner (or top)
  • Try using your breath (or some other kinesthetic focus) to work with claustrophobia in bondage scenes, (🦈 if it’s not already eroticized)
  • If you’ve been a long-term top needing a wedge into trying out a submissive space, try the Giving and Receiving exercise
  • Use breath (both ‘charging’ and ‘calming’ patterns) to endure/enjoy more pain

Chapter 22: How to Create the Tantric Ritual That’s Perfect for You

This chapter covers a methodology for coming up with a tantric exercise for the night. This can for yourself, or between you and your partner/s. The content here also suggests using sex for healing or ameliorating unrelated emotional wounds.

The author notes that good intentions can be drown out by poor negotiation and compromising to the point of pointlessness.

This could lead to sex that is a compromise in which no one gets their needs met. That kind of sex can be worse than no sex at all, so over time, many couples find their sex lives fading away.

Carrellas, Barbara. Urban Tantra, Second Edition: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (p. 214). Clarkson Potter/Ten Speed. Kindle Edition.

The Erotic Playsheet

While I don’t align with this subject intake / negotiation paperwork, this might be worth a glance for some inspiration. It’s worth noting that this can be used on yourself, as sort of a CBT tool that won’t bruise the boys. In addition, you can both fill these out in isolation and then come together to see where your vibe is at and where you can meet. Seeing negotiation paperwork as a tool for inspiration rather than a safety check is handy.

Chapter 23: Group Tantra

The majority of the content here is a collection of vanilla-leaning kink events. But - here are the takeaways I had after reading this…

Protips on throwing a ritual/sex party:

  1. Make your intention and goal clear for the event.
  2. Decide what type of play is appropriate (and inappropriate.)
  3. Inform the participants of expectations, protocol, and requirements beforehand.
  4. Have appropriate, present, and available living facilitation.
  5. Specify start and end times - anyone leaving early must tell the facilitator.
  6. Restate the intentions in a casual gathering - ensuring everyone sees everyone else agree to the rules.
  7. Be flexible and firm, and it’s all right for someone to leave if they’re not having a good time, taking notes.